- The older guys were mean to me. - Say what?
They kicked me off the court.
No, see, I knew it. Don't nobody mess with my babies.
Who do they think they are, kicking you off the court? That is a public court.
Let me go get my nine, OK? Oh, no. I'll keep that...
You know what, Trent? Let me calm down.
How about we take a little walk down to the park?
Thank you! Get off the court, suckers.
Is that all you got?
Well, get ready to sit down, cos you ain't gonna last long once we start.
Ain't that right, Trent?
- So, Granny thinks she got game? - Oh, yes. I got game.
Got two words, too: I'm back.
- You're too fat to be ballin'. - Say what?
You look like a damn shaved bird.
Look at you. Just fly your...
Never mind, young man. I'm not even gonna get into it with you.
- Man, here's your rock. - Didn't know I could catch that, huh?
Back at ya! Didn't know it was comin'. Let's do this.
Come on, little man. We gonna take you to school.
We own that ball.
Pickin' on a little man. I'm at ya.
Look at ya now. Runnin' your mouth.
What you gonna do, Grandma?
What the hell...?
Game point.
- Damn! - Air Momma!
- That's game. - Yes!
We won!
Yes! We won!
We won! Oh yes, baby!
I'm so happy! We won!
It smells good, Big Momma.
- Morning, Sherry. - Good morning.
Trent wanted waffles. Have a seat.
- No, I'm gonna have some toast. - OK.
Malcolm's been askin' about you.
- Really? - Yes.
He was wonderin' how long you were gonna be in town.
He thought you might be meetin' up with some old friends from California.
I wonder what would make him think that.
Maybe somethin' you said?
Sherry, if you gonna be in town for a while, you oughta spend some time with that boy.
Get to know him.
You really think he's gonna solve all my problems, don't you?
Oh, yeah. Child, if I was 40 years younger
and able to walk down the street without trippin' over my own breasts,
yes, I'd take him on. I'd give him a taste.
Oh, shoot!
Damn.
- Got a little jam on ya? - Yeah. I just washed this, too.
Big Momma, do you have any soda water?
Yeah. Top shelf, Sherry.
Oh, my damn!
- What's wrong, Big Momma? - Stains.
I hate stains because they's hard to get out, and that's a jammy-jam stain. I know.
- Hey, Malcolm. - Hey, little man. What you up to?
We're goin' fishin'. Mom's gonna let me drive the boat.
- How you doin', Sherry? - Here to empty out the septic tank?
You got jokes.
No. Actually, I was in the neighborhood, so I was just stopping by.
Malcolm, you ever gone fishing?
Oh, yeah. I fish in the neighborhood all the time. Yeah, I know a thing or two.
- Really? - Yes, really.
I do all kind of fishing.
I just haven't caught anything worth holding onto.
Maybe you're using the wrong bait.
What kind of bait should I be using?
Mom?
Can Malcolm come with us?
Sweetie, I'm sure Malcolm has more important things to do today.
- Actually, I don't. - Come on, Malcolm.
Mom doesn't know what she's doin'.
I could show you where all the hot spots are.
Sure. I don't see why not.
- Come on, Malcolm. I've never been fishing. - Never?
Nothin' to it.
- Mom, did you see that fish jump? - I did. Looked like he was smiling at us.
- Like he was laughing. - Laughing at Malcolm.
- That's funny? - No, I mean...
Look at your pole!
Give me the camera.
Hold still. Gotcha!
Are you OK? Do you need a hand?
Oh, man!
- There you go. - Thank you.
- Put that on you. A little nippy, huh? - Yeah.
You know, there's... something about your eyes.
I don't know. They're really familiar.
I know you think you can recognize my eyes.
But you know what? A lot of people have these eyes. These ain't even mine.
I borrowed 'em from a friend, and I gotta have 'em back by dusk.
Yeah, I'll be... Plop!
Hold your hoe. Gotta go.
Then you don't have much time.
He loves it out here.
It's a great place to grow up. You should know that.
Yeah, but you forget and you move on
and your life takes you places that you never thought you'd go.
Where has your life taken you?
Far away from here. And I'm not sure if I'm goin' back.
Really?
Mom! I can't catch anything.
Keep trying, sweetie.
Sherry, your last boyfriend...
What was he like?
Most people aren't who they say they are.
Yeah, well, you gotta trust somebody sometime.
Why not start with me?
- Mom! - They're too fast for you, Trent.
- Why don't you just take a break, OK? - You don't have to be fast.
What you got there?
Let me help you with that, little Trent. Let me see that.
Sometimes, when you wanna catch somethin',
you just gotta slow down.
Be patient.
Then they might come to you.
Thanks, Malcolm.
That's what I do... catch the lightnin' bug.
I see you're a man of great taste. Need anything else?
Laptop? Cameras? AK-47? Stereos?
Rolex?
Guess not.
- I'll take it. - Great. That'll be two hundred.
Your girl told me a hundred.
I don't care what she said. That gun'll cost you two.
Two hundred, or this transaction goes real bad, real quick.
It just went bad, didn't it?
Pull it.
A hundred's good.
I can do a hundred.
- Thank you. - Good night.
Yes, sir. I understand, sir.
Oh, no. Sure, I can handle him.
Yeah. Don't you worry. He knows exactly what he's doing.
Bye.
- What the hell are you doing?. - Don't start.
No, Malcolm, I loved the little Jerry Maguire moment with the kid. That was very touching.
It might make it a little awkward when it's time to arrest her, but...
John, my attraction to her is strictly professional.
- Great. - And trust me: she's innocent.
And that's based on what? Your "professional" attraction to her?
- Everybody freeze! - Goddamn! You freeze!
Damn! Y'all cut Big Momma up into little pieces.
- Oh, shit! - Nobody's done nothin' to Big Momma.
FBl.
Looks like we'll have to arrest this guy now.
Shit, man, you ain't gotta do that.
I'm a fellow law-enforcement officer myself. You know, maybe I can help.
Get up. Come on.
- OK, OK. - All right.
Now, I've gone undercover as Big Momma.
As you can see.
That what that is?
Yeah.
Now listen, Nolan. This is top-secret. We're after a hardened criminal.
What I need you to do is stake out the bank.
- Can you handle that? - No problem.
All right. Now, what I'm saying is, shut your mouth on this one.
I mean it - hush. Don't say nothin'. Nada.
You with me? All right.
If you can do that, we might find a place for you on the force.
- You'd be in. - In the Bureau?
Right in the Bureau.
Probably you'd get the F, but you won't get the BI until some years have gone by.
- Right. Cos there's some work involved. - Exactly.
Like the bank work. I'm all over it!
- Bye. - Hot damn!
Trent?
Big Momma?
- You awake? - Yes, Sherry.
Is everything all right?
Oh, yeah. I was just coming to check you were OK with...
I'm sorry.
That scared me.
- Are you all right? - Yeah, I'm OK.
That's good.
I remember when I was a little girl and it used to storm like this
and you would wrap your arms around me.
- You mean like this? - Yeah.
And I just felt like nothing in the world could ever hurt me.
Doesn't this feel so good?
It feels so damn good.
- Big Momma? - Yes?
- What's that? - What's what?
That.
It's...
That's just my flashlight.
The storm knocked out all the power and... I had to get a big old flashlight.
OK.
- You OK? - Yes. Just tryin' to get comfortable.
All right.
- Let's try to get some sleep. - That's easy for you to say.
You know, when I called you the other day, I didn't think you'd even wanna talk to me.
Why would you say that, Sherry?
Well, it's been a long time since we've talked,
and I'm not a little girl any more.
And I know that you've probably heard some things that I'm not very proud of.
Well... Maybe I didn't wanna believe those things.
Maybe I only wanted to believe the best about you.
You sure have changed, Big Momma.
How so?
Shoot, when I was a little girl, you'd whup my butt if I even looked guilty.
Well, it got your hind parts in shape, didn't it?
Well, you learned your lesson.
Yeah, I learned how to look innocent.
- Big Momma... - Yes?
Is there another flashlight under there?
Hi.
What the hell are you doing here?
- Somebody may see you. - No worries about that.
I got Nolan watching the perimeter.
He'd like his own gun, and he wants to know if we can use secret code names.
- You better watch him. - Oh? And who's gonna watch you?
- What are you talkin' about? - You slept with her, man. She got to you.
- I didn't sleep with her. Big Momma did. - OK. Thanks for the visual.
You know what I mean.
Are you puttin' on your make-up in the dark now?
Big Momma?
- Come on, Big Momma. We're gonna be late. - Late? Late for what?
Church. We're leaving in five minutes.
OK, maybe she got to me. But believe me, this will not affect my work on this case.
That big bag she took downtown the other day.
- Yeah? - She didn't come back with that, did she?
Not affect your work. Fine.
You know, Malcolm, if you wanna save this girl, then that's fine.
But you gotta get her to confess everything,
or else, when we catch Lester, she's gonna go down with him.
"Every Time I Feel The Spirit."
Yes, good people,
we are not havin' service this morning.
This morning, we're havin' church!
You know, the Lord got me to thinking the other day that
maybe it's time that I stopped preaching
and started listening!
And maybe one of our saints here
could offer us a word from above.
All right!
Earlier this week, I went to my phone
and the Lord took my dialing finger.
- And after about three rings... - Three rings!
I heard
a sweet, angelic voice say...
Boy, you better get that thing outta my face. Move, Rev! Go now.
That's right. It was Hattie Mae Pierce.
- Saints, we can learn a lot from this lady. - Yes, we can.
For she has been to sorrow's kitchen
and licked the pot clean.
Are you ready to testify?
Oh, well, I guess I could say a few words.
Go, Big Momma!
You just put me on the spot today, Reverend.
I really wasn't expectin' this, Reverend.
Well, let's see.
- You know what to say. - Come on with it.
Let's see.
Well, I asked him. I said "Lord,
should I talk about the evils
of drugs?"
No, no, no!
Big Momma don't know nothin' about no drugs.
Unless y'all talkin' about Harry Belafonte.
Lord knows I was addicted to that man for about ten years.
So, anyway, what I'm here to say is
that some of us
Live secret lives.
We don't want people to know the real us.
We hide behind our smiles
and polite conversation.
And underneath it all, we do a lotta nasty shit.
'Scuse me, Reverend.
So sorry about that.
Anyway, we've all sinned.
Lord knows I've sinned.
I've lusted in my heart.
In my living room.
In the hot tub at the Red Roof Inn.
Oh, and in the back of an EI Camino!
Watch out there, now.
But that's neither here nor there. OK, please, disregard that last one.
Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that
our secrets...
they eat away at us.
So, if we want to be protected - hear me now -
we got to confess everything.
Because the truth
shall set you free.
And when that day happens,
- won't it be a happy day? - That's your song.
Hallelujah!
- OK, we're home. - My bladder got me just runnin'.
Maybe I should come in for a little nightcap.
Consider your night capped.
- You hear somethin'? - What?
Freeze!
Surprise!
Surprise.
Surprise, Big Momma.
I don't think Big Momma likes surprise parties.
Let's eat.
Big Momma, where did you get that from?
Come on, why don't you give it to me? Give it up before you hurt somebody, OK?
- I'm about to go secure the perimeter. - Nolan!
- John... - This is all we need. Him screwing this up.
- Why'd you let all these people in here? - It's a surprise party. I didn't know about it.
Keep your eyes open. I'm goin' upstairs to change for the party.
Good idea.
Hi, Ben. How you doin'?
I guess you're wonderin' what I got you for your birthday.
Don't tell me your momma had more jewellery.
If you don't want it, you don't have to...
What is that boy up to now, Big Momma?
You stay down here and watch the food. I'll go up.
All right.
Trent? What are you lookin' for?
Nothing.
Why don't you go downstairs and help your momma with the food?
Yes, ma'am.
Damn.
Big Momma?
Yes?
Where'd you put the sweet corn? Is it outside in the freezer?
Sherry, is there anything you wanna say to Big Momma?
No, Big Momma. Why do you ask?
Oh, really?
Then I guess this chain isn't the only thing that came back to me tarnished.
- I found the money, Sherry. - What money?
Oh, my God. It's Lester.
Big Momma, I'm so sorry,
but I gotta go. I gotta get outta here.
Sherry!
Hey, officer. I'm lookin' for... Miss Hattie Mae Pierce's house.
- You know where she live? - Big Momma?
- Yeah. - You less than two miles away.
She gonna die when she sees me.
Sherry... Now you gonna have to tell me what's goin' on.
- Everything, Sherry. - I can't.
I'm beggin' you to trust me. I mean... you can trust your Big Momma, can't you?
- Now, who's this Lester? - I thought I was in love with him.
He stole my keys. He got into the vault. He shot two people.
He must have hid the money in Trent's locker before they arrested him.
Are you saying you didn't know anything about the money?
What about that big bag you had the other day, Sherry?
What about the phone call you made in town?
Happy birthday.
And the phone call was to set up your surprise party.
You're tellin' the truth. You didn't have anything to do with the robbery.
Of course I did. I knew that the keys were missing,
and I didn't say anything to anybody because I was afraid I'd lose my job.
Is that it? That's the big mistake you made, Sherry?
Big Momma, I should have said something.
I know what kind of man Lester is.
Oh, Sherry!
Big Momma, what are you doing?
Oh, excuse me, child.
Sometimes Big Momma just feel like kissin' folks, that's all.
Well, could you warn me next time?
Yeah, sure.
Sherry, listen to me.
You're not to blame.
Lester stole the keys. Lester stole the money.
And Lester shot those people.
Big Momma, I should have known I could trust you. Thank you so much.
Everything's gonna be OK. All right?
I'm gonna call Malcolm. He'll help us fix everything. No worries.
No worries. I'll fix it.
Yes, ma'am!
I've been waitin' on this moment ever since I first laid eyes on you.
Can't get enough of your love, baby.
Hattie, I'm tired of bein' alone.
Ben, whatever you started in that bed,
trust me, you gonna finish alone.
Oh, Hattie baby...
Ben, I swear, if I see your shaboinker, all hell's gonna break loose.
Holy shit.
Good Lord! What in the hell is goin' on up in there?
- Hey, Big Momma. - Hi, Trent.
What in the hell is goin' on over there?
Hey. You're back so soon!
What do you mean, "so soon"?
And what the hell's wrong with this door?
How about I hop in there and we go for a spin?
Big Momma?
- There you are. - Everyone's lookin' for you.
- What are you doing? - I'm just freshenin' up.
- Come on! Time to cut your cake. - Everybody's waitin' on you.
Driver, if I give you $20, would you step outside and kick his ass for me?
- Yes, ma'am. - No. Sir, you do not have to kick my ass.
Wait a minute. Just wait.
Look. OK, if you really must know,
it's a surprise party for you, and if you go in there now you'll ruin it.
Well, if that’s my party, looks like I'm missin' it.
Christ.
It's so loud in here. Maybe you'd be more comfortable over at my house.
- We've been lookin' all over for you. - It's time to cut your birthday cake.
All of this for my birthday?
Everybody's all dressed up and looking good.
I wanna freshen up and get out of my traveling clothes.
No, don't worry about that. You look fine.
Listen, I got some dress-up clothes, too. I wanna put mine on.
Now where's that cake?
- Damn! - That was fast!
What the hell are you doing, Nolan?
Y'all sure went through a lotta trouble for Big Momma.
You know, that's rare these days.
So much else to do that you forget about people.
- Big Momma is here. - What you talking about?
- She's back. The real Big Momma is back. - Damn!
- You want me to take her out? - No.
Just keep her away from Malcolm until we figure out a way to sneak her out of here.
OK. You got it.
You know, Big Momma a whole lotta woman. I may need help.
You two? in my bed?
Hell, no!
Hattie Mae, I can explain.
Explain it to the fat end of my baseball bat.
Trent? Sweetie?
"Scratch, scratch, scratch, went the clawing at my door."
"'Who's there?' I said, hoping it was only my imagination."
Mom, look. It's ghost stories.
Where's my Sherry? Where's my baby Sherry?
- In my house, in my bed... - Malcolm, I've been lookin' all over for you.
- You'll never believe who's here. - Who's here?
Plenty of fun people. Let's dance over and meet some, shall we? Come on.
Sherry?
Big Momma, work it out!
He don't know what to do with it.
Shit.
Can I at least say goodbye to my grandmother?
Yeah.
Big Momma?
Sherry, is that you?
What a beautiful surprise.
Yeah, Big Momma. I just wanted to come and say goodbye, cos we have to leave now.
But I just got...
I don't want you to leave. Please, don't leave.
No, Big Momma, we have to go now. And I just wanted to say thank you for everything.
You said goodbye. Now let's go.
- Freeze, sucker! - Nolan? What the hell are you doing?
Put that thing down.
You freeze... sucker.
- Don't shoot me. - Lester, no.
Oh, shit.
Oh, Jesus!
I forgot my keys.
Big... Big Momma?
- Are y'all Double mint twins? - Freeze! FBl.
Not in Big Momma's house!
Oh, shit!
I can't feel my knees. Oh, Big Momma!
- Hit me, you fat piece of junk? - Lester, no!
Don't you hit her.
Don't turn over on me! Oh, Lord!
Oh, man.
- Are you all right? - Yeah.
- You were all over that shit. - Yeah. I was somethin', huh?
Easy.
But I gotta tell you... This gettin' shot part, it's not as much fun as you'd think.
Malcolm.
Trent.
Watch out!
Yes. Well, somebody better tell me somethin',
cos this sho' is some freaky shit.
Yes, and I'll bust in your head again if I catch you foolin' around with my kin.
Blood is thicker than water.
Is that morphine in there? God, it beats the hell out of aspirin.
Sherry.
Go inside, sweetie. OK?
How's he doin'?
He's fine.
Good.
You thought I was guilty the whole time, didn't you?
You went to all this trouble to try to catch me in a lie
and you were the one being dishonest.
I was just doin' my job.
So the lake and everything, that was just you doin' your job, right?
No.
"You gotta trust somebody sometime. Why not start with me?"
I find that hard to believe, Malcolm.
How do you feel, Malcolm? Nervous about your testimony?
Nervous? No.
No, I'm cool.
This won't be the first time I've testified.
This one ain't gettin' away.
Let's hope. This is your basic hostile jury. Good luck.
Yeah. All right.
Yes, brothers and sisters.
Reverend, I've come to testify.
- What's he doin' here? - This is God's house,
where all of his children are welcome.
Yeah, maybe all exceptin' him.
- This better be good, son. - Yeah.
Now wobble-wobble, and drop it like it's hot.
I've come here today to
ask for understanding.
I believe the Good Book says "lf you don't know me, don’t judge me."
- That was Tupac. - Definitely Tupac.
Tupac. All right.
Well, Trent, what does it say?
Mom says Jesus said we should love one another as we love ourselves.
No, Trent. That's an old lyric from AI Green. I got it in the car.
Jesus did say that.
- Amen! - Yes, he did.
Anyway... Trent, do you remember that day at the lake
when I told you that if you wanted something bad enough
you gotta be patient and it might come to you?
Well, I think that only works with fireflies.
But if it's someone important, you gotta put yourself into it.
You have to go get it.
Sherry, the make-up...
You know, the whole...
And the protrudeness...
Excuse me.
Look, that was fake.
But what I feel about you...
That's real.
You know, Reverend, I think the Lord is trying to give us
some true words through this brother here.
Well, may the angels speed your path on up here, Big Momma.
Sherry, why are you still sittin' there?
Girl, come on up here and get your man.